Dabar [theme]

He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou find refuge: His truth is a shield and buckler
Psalms 91:4

Be it ours,when we cannot see the face of God, to trust under the shadow of His wings. C.H. Spugeon

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Past & Present - Bittersweet

I lie in bondage to life having no recourse to any other options, I am tied to life inescapable from the clutches of life as an imprisonment of time, I am in servitude within the constraints of the inevitable, I am enslaved to the present moment and owned by the future I desire to create.

Exodus 1:14, "...and they made their lives bitter with hard bondage--in mortar, in brick, and in all manner of service in the field. All their service in which they made them(selves) serve was with rigor."

I am gorged and spent in anger and pursuit, vindicated and justified by action and suffering, emptied of purpose, filled with resolve, vexed by faith and saved by faith, misunderstood and clear of mind, confused and unadulterated, there is a bittersweet savour to life. The relish to succeed is always tempered by the cost.

Proverbs 27:7, "A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet."

I view life through a veil, observing the current events of my life shrouded by the perception that what I am seeing is the sum total of all that is possible, all that is discernible or is true or real within the obligations of time and place and circumstance.

Micah 6:15, "You shall sow, but not reap; you shall tread the olives, but not anoint yourselves with oil; and make sweet wine, but not drink wine."

There is a bitter sweetness to this life in that it is underscored by anger and hatred of the life lived compared to the vistas and plateaus of expectation and hope. Anger protects for a time, but then becomes tiresome, a weariness of the spirit, it is then that the truth becomes knowledge.

Isaiah 3:24, "...and so it shall be: Instead of a sweet smell there will be a stench; Instead of a sash, a rope; Instead of well-set hair, baldness; Instead of a rich robe, a girding of sackcloth; And branding instead of beauty." Such is life, in whatever state we are in the comparable life not lived calls and beckons and makes this life a misery.

Job 21:25, "...man dies in the bitterness of his soul, never having eaten with pleasure."

I live in a life-state of self-delusion understanding my faults, knowing my faults intimately and yet not acknowledging them to others; compensating for those faults by gratuitous service; this is my self-love seeking esteem and the love of others and in that process I am consuming and devouring that precious resource of their love, where in reality only contempt and aversion should dwell in light of the hidden, abject motivations of my heart. What I covet from others requires that evil be done by myself. Job and Solomon teach that human nature has no other means of satisfying desires than by doing harm to others in the pursuit of gratification. I do not act in purity of motive; I esteem what is useful for the attainment of personal pleasure and flatter for promotion those who serve my self-interests. It is an entirely defendable position to place my self-interests over abstract moral principles; like 'do unto ... as you would have ...': One can always weigh the greater good in terms of self-interest. If an innocent man is blamed, condemned, killed, it does mean that it has become my reponsibility to make everything right, it should not be expected that I sacrifice the concrete, actual goods that make my life worth living for an abstraction that I can live without. I decide for myself what is best for myself using my own criteria. The innocent man is revealed as myself, the guilt is revealed in the condemnation of my motive and the death must be my own.
I hate the truth; that truth which reveals my inward selfish tendencies and I subdue and vanquish it with deadly, unjust and criminal passion to remove it from my consciousness. My desire is to live without the pain of the present and the past as part of my life, my only hope of securing that reality is at the expense of those around me. This serves to destroy the pleasure of the moment, the sweetness of the now and replaces it with the bitterness of the moment wasted, the sweetness of the now embittered.

The truth is that I never really live in the present. Memory serves it purpose in vindicating the present, and hope ensures that the present is frivolous and allows it to be thoughtlessly overlooked as the one thing, the only thing, that truly exists. The present moment is painful, it is where I am, the past has become irrevocable, the future is uncontrollable. The empty cavity of life that is the present is subject to imediate introspection resulting in the seeking of the distraction of the future. The diversion of future attainments distracts from this present pain and emptiness and results in the constant planning of my future happiness, which as an inevitable recourse never happens. The future is to be sweet, because the past is bitter.

Bitter the truth
Sweet my self-love
Bitter my pride
Sweet, death.
Bitter my faults
Sweet, pure motive
Bitter the past
Sweet, life.
Bitter present
Sweet pain of life
Bitter future
Sweet promise.
Bitter time
Sweet vanity
Bitter memory
Sweet, ever.

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